A lady can easily tell a man about his bad breath or get
creative about it by simply passin him mint!Or even cut you short in
the middle of avery serious explanation of ,for instance, why the
shilling is performing poorly at the stock market ,to give you
unsolicited advice about the best tooth paste brand in the
market!Trust me as aman you cant do the same to alady(that she has bad
breath)-there is no creative or diplomatic way to do it,and if there
is a man reading this and he thinks that there is a way you can tell
that to a lady(and still go ahead to perhaps succesfully serenade her)
let him step forward!

Look,some ladies in this town wil have to be serious in as far as oral
hygien is concerned.This morning I had an opportunity to enjoy the
displeasure of sitting next to a very cute lady(who, and i will be
honest,had initially gotten me struck by the cupid’s arrow and
thoroughly smitten) but with -heck,i dont have a nice way to call it-bad breath.Yuk!So bad that she dint have to open her mouth(trust me,it was firmly shut) for the fetid to hit me ,it was
sneaking out through,i suspect, her nostrils!Hehe!To
a point of me not knowin what to do exactly-to inhale or just die!Just
imagine!As if that was enough,there was also these pungent smell
wafting from beneath her seat, which i discovered afterwards were her
smelly feet.Gosh!Trust me she dint have to chuck her sandak(she had
those tu grey shoes ladies like) for the smell to spread
around and have a nose on collision with it,all she needed was to
tilt her feet and twinle her toes!And that was it.

This got me imagining that if at all
she doesnt give adamn about her general body hygiene,more so oral,then
it follows that she is very filthy inwards-sorry to say this,she most
probably had a dirty underwear(surely even if you are a busy lady,as
many allege to be nowadays,how long does it take one to wash
a G-string(a garment of less than 2cm surface are).And your guess is
right-she most probably doesnt take care of her private bush ,down
there!She even made my mind get more ‘dirtier’ but lets be honest with
each other here,this are the kind of ladies who ,when you are busy
plaughing her you cant concentrate because you are always earger to
see some of the wild animals(ofcourse adorned in gloves and gumboots
because no self respecting wild animal might risk its health by venturin in
such afilthy ‘ecosystem’ without the said safety parephanelia or tools!)
that will pop out helter skelter for you hav tinkered with their
habitat!

Hell broke lose wen i requested to know her ‘noun’.Infact I regret
because at that point is when she opened her mouth and the non stop yapping begun!I saw it come but for some strange reasons I overlooked the prospect of her not just talking too fast but a lot.That is ,if her pointed mandibula and lips were anything to by by because upon seeing them ,I was immediately
reminded of the noisy and irritant weaver bird!As she was busy
‘parroting’ about anything and everything-particularly those that i
had not asked about,she ‘sparayed’ copious amounts of saliva in my
face!Yuk!As if that was not sufficient torture to turn off
a brother,She ,like most other people with bad breath,even after my desperate attempts to use affirmative cues like constantly using an approving head
nod(albeit facing away),she did not only find it neccessary to first of
all arrest my attention by beckoning me, before talking straight in my
face but insisted on whispering things not in my ear but in my
nose,Jeez!Never mind she was not even about to show sign of running short
of saliva-if the quantity of saliva sprayed in my face was anything to
go by!

At some point,after turning my nose up in disgust numerous
times, I thought of whining loud …naomba makanga aingilie kati anisaidie…
now that its nolonger invogue to say naomba serikali blah blah! Bt i
just gave up all together.When she stretched her hands ,if what i saw
underthere was not something that resembled a birds nest but a bushy
armpit,i quickly apologise.One would be forgiven for imagining that
she had a portable septic tank(you guys call it a sewage?) in her armpits.Or better yet ,that the resilient
good people of Dandora community and the now eco-friendly management of
the city coucil of nairobi ,under the stewardship of the ever hard
working mayor George Aladwa together with the industrious Town clerk Philip kisia
had eventually (after a long tussle) successfully reached an agreement
and relocated the famous Dandora dumping site to her mouth!phew!

Women, they say you can’t live without them and you can’t live with them (could they be that necessary evil?).Other than being reputed as multitasking geeks, women are also known to be creatures that can subsist on two basic needs-compliments and attention and that is it. Don’t be surprised that under such circumstances, they might still struggle to lose weight in pursuit of some anorexic standards of beauty when everyone else is starving. Very interesting species, I tell you.

The reality of the 21st century is that men and women don’t need each other thaaat much like it used to be back in the day. Probably because women are in the process of getting liberated economically but they are not yet there. And men on the other hand took the game a notch higher and got liberated courtesy of technology-washing machine, microwave, vacuum cleaner need I say more.

Clearly, a wife’s job opportunities in a man’s house are getting slimmer. Some women are in these marriages purely on humanitarian grounds-a ticket for a free meal, comfort, financial security, you know-it’s a lose-lose situation for men. Their (women) utility in a man’s household is slowly but surely decreasing, in fact to almost zero. And it all started when women started downsizing on femininity in their endeavors to acquire masculine attributes.

As a safety precaution, men have become too preoccupied with guarding their egos against being bruised by these masculine women. To qualify my argument I will tell you this, I have, for instance in the recent past, noticed that my ego (an aspect of masculinity that I hold in very high esteem) has become endangered. Of late, I have never managed to win an argument with a lady not because am not that astute but its due to the fact that as a man I automatically become handicapped by virtue of there being a need to be objective and to make sense during arguments. Women easily get away with being subjective. How do you win over someone who is constantly running her mouth and not only want to win all the arguments but to bruise your ego whenever her strategies seem to be running out of steam?

Look, everyone is entitled to speaking crap and bullshitting but many female species are now abusing that privilege. And there’s the rub-they verbalize the fact that they are not, pardon the pun, taking things lying down (maybe they now want to take it standing up, who knows).They want to be on top, they don’t want to be down, they don’t want any games with men and whatnot. The only game I suspect they are still interested in or can entertain from men, and I say it tongue-in-cheek, is foreplay.

The changing times and the so called women liberation have come up with a conspiracy to siphon the male power. This partly explains why men are very confrontational towards women and gentlemen are no more (you remember those days when men of this variety were in high supply?)Have you never wondered why even cute ladies today no longer get away with bad behaviors nor do they get the benefit of the doubt like it used to be? Women stirred the hornets’ nest and this social disorganization is a fruit of their labor.

Where did the rain start beating women?

When you look at women’s problems retrospectively, you will agree with me that their problems worsened with the invention of relationships magazines. When you look at relationships magazines, most of them are by women about men and for women-gosh! What a folly. To be brutally honest, women have been exchanging lies and other hypothesis that have never stood test of scrutiny from time immemorial and in the process proliferating ignorance about men.

Women get conned so easily .Am not writing this proclaiming that men don’t get conned .See, when you want to cone a man through a magazine all you need to do is to put a very cute lady on the cover but you don’t put a cover on the lady. Fortunately men always get to know whether or not that they have been conned upon interacting vigorously with the content of the magazine. Women on the other hand, they have never notice that they are being conned by investing in those magazines. I will explain.

It’s common to see a magazine run a title like `A thousand and one ways to please a man’ or ‘what men want from women’. The tragic irony of it is that the author of such is always a woman-What does she know about what men want or like? She has never been a man. It is an open secret that women are their own worst enemies’ .Let be honest with each other here, who wants to see their enemy prosper? You catch my drift?

There was one ‘romance expert’ who while I was going through her hundreds of ways to make a man love you more she talked of ‘taking a bath with him’ It tickled my funny bone and I found myself rolling on the ground with laughter. After thinking hard enough about it, I got disturbed because I wondered whether she was sure of what she was talking about .Men after a shower we always blow our nose and pee in the water. Never mind in such hard economic times ,in a bid to a void wasting tissue paper we walk straight to the bathtub from the loo.If swimming in such concoction of filth is romantic, then that said ‘expert’ should have her head examined rather urgently

Clever ones saw light long ago and when they have problems with their men they always consult men. Methinks it’s ironic for a lady who has a marital issue to visit a consortium of divorcees for consultancy.

Women are not real

Women are pretentious and you can’t really tell what they want. They still beat by the bush. A lady meets a potentially good man but she pretends not to be interested in him by examining her general disposition. Look, the new millennium man has no time to give you a second chance to be nice for him to break ice one more time. Why would he do that when there is someone else desperately waiting for her first chance?

Be yourself and accept things the way they are pegging competition on every aspect of you life wont cut it-who has the most fake eye lashes,nails,hair and whatnot is much ado about nothing. When you time is up, please age gracefully. I mean at age 40 you just cant have an apple bottom, onion booty nah, forget.

A man to fix

Another problem is that women are always looking for a man to fix , you have never wondered why they are always fascinated with bad boys? They want that bad-boy not because he meets the mythical standard that they have been looking for from time immemorial (tall dark and handsome).It’s because they want to fix him, they want to correct him( maybe into husband material unfortunately for someone else).Maybe perhaps the thrill of correcting and fixing is such an awesome experience ,who knows. One thing I used to know about the bad boys is that they had the ability to fake everything except ‘tall dark and handsome’. The funny thing is that even when they accidentally land a Mr. Right or nice guy, they still want to fix him and change him not into a bad boy but a superman of some sort. Now, that’s always the breaking point of most relationships-when a woman wants to change a man.

Communication

One of the other big problems is women’s inability to effectively communicate. Women are in the habit of communicating using cues and hinting, which unfortunately men are very poor at. Men are handicapped when it comes to interpreting or reading body language and cues. It’s perfectly in order to use that when communicating with fellow women but not with men. xowi ,xaxa, xoxo and k does not exist in the vocabulary of any man, when you use them ,clearly there is a lingual breakdown. I for instance dated some woman for three solid years and she has never told me to do anything, she instead always asked questions and from which I was to figure out what she wanted me to do. Hun why are you not closing the door behind you? Why don’t you ever do this or that to me? Never mind at that point we are not using sign or body language but verbal language-the most effective and the highest human level of communication that God intended.

Another bad advice women like sharing with each other is that all men are bad except Jesus. I hate it when I hear women refer to men as dogs, beasts and shit like that one thing I know about men is that they are all TEACHERS.

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Being a hustler is better than being underemployed in the sense that a hustler,say a pickpocket for example is his own boss.No body yells instructions at him and the money he makes has no limit.An underemployed guy on the other hand other than being yelled at he is paid peanuts an the very peanuts are not paid on time.When you think hard enough about it ,you will envy ,for instance ,his flexible working hours and many others.Your problems can never be the same ,When you are busy worrying about your fake made-in–china Nokia phone lacking the ability to dispatch audios and images via blue tooth,him is concerned with why his inferior `original’ contraption of a phone(likely assembled by kamau ,mathenge et al along river road) Nokla made in Chania –to be precise,only loads a maximum of bamba 20 and when bamba 100 is loaded ,80 bob is automatically send to his Mpesa account.Ha!

Getting a job nowadays is not the easiest thing. Even if you do, we all know employees are mean like hell out here. Different people are engaging in different activities just to enable them make an extra coin. Those employed too claim that they are hustling ,you know –moonlighting for an extra coin.At times you have to work so hard like an immigrant.Many people have ended up with split personalities. We have heard of cases of some crooks who masquerade as blind beggars who when they are not winking at cute lady passers- by, they complain when you give them fake currency. Such characters are normally very strategic –they know the very ‘lucrative’ street corners and that’s where they pitch tent as they ply their trade. If you are well dressed and you deny them a hand out,trust me they sulk big time.And when they get wind of the fact that council askaris are around the corner they always bolt at a velocity that is kin to Usain’s speed without the aid of their walking stick.

No single city dweller lacks aside hustle, if they are not trying their hand on farming they are in a business of some sort. Many are in fact diversifying and spreading the risks-just in case.

On Monday the fellow is a part time carpenter, on Tuesday he loiters around the estate with a smoky tin with some burning charcoal ,some strips of plastic ‘spare parts’ propped in his hind pocket repairing plastic wares for a small fee, on Wednesday he is at the local market adorned in tattered clads selling weed but guised as a miraa dealer. In every market place there is always a guy selling weed but purporting to be selling something else legal .The remaining days of the week the hustler is a hawker –a very daunting task, I tell you. And to most hustlers hawking is their forte. Some have a way of forming an intimidatingly scary face that makes you buy an overpriced product that you absolutely don’t need not because of ignorance but just because they look potentially violent and look like they can unleash terror or punch you in short order if you turn them down. I mean why would a grown man who considers himself sufficiently sophisticated buy a pencil and a rubber from a rude hawker on a bus while on his way to eat Christmas in his village?

Let’s delve into the psychology of a hawker and examine the wisdom behind his split personalities. A hawker in Nairobi has the spirit of a hustler and the determination of a bee. One would be forgiven for imagining that all city hawkers went to the same post graduate school and graduated with a master’s degree in multi-tasking. A seasoned hawker does five jobs in one. He must be a sprinter, to enable him put together all his wares and disappear in the thin air in split seconds just in case one of those mavi ya kuku city moments that call for helter-skelter scattering arise.

First of all other than the obvious sales he does, he is doing marketing, advertising, providing his own security and while at it, there is always that illegal product-weed(of course), in his underwear pocket which he only sells to specific clientele .He can’t sell it to a stranger you must be recommended by one of his regulars.

When he is precariously dangling a made-in-china underwear in a potential customer’s face while smiling, he is ready to immediately frown and hurl a tirade at the very customer just in case he proves to be uncooperative and condescending .The very hawker as he does that he is also craning his neck and peering in the distance to see whether a council askari is approaching. And once in awhile these askaris ambush them and without mumbling a word launch an attack-kamikaze style. In such situations a good hawkers is always equipped with multi-fighting skills –I mean how do you describe a man who starts a fight with a group of armed and brutish council askari when he clearly knows that he has no insurance? Before they arrest you, you put up a spirited fight because if you don’t by the time they get you to their cells, they will have clobbered you about your head with countless number of knobkerries and your relatives will have a problem of differentiating your face with that of Tsvangirai.Talk of jerks of all trades and masters of none.

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If you consider yourself sufficiently immoral and therefore places like Koinange Street, brothels and facebook are pretty much your day and night physical addresses, trust me a venture at a massage parlor, a disco or a swimming pool will inevitably earn you a culture shock. Brothels have a long way to go if at all they intend to outdo massage parlors in as far as being the most immoral place is concerned. I will explain.

First of all I will begin by making a confession. Even in this day and age when every Kenyan is pretending to be sophisticated, I am not sufficiently acquainted with some aspects of sophistication and a perfect example is massage .I just don’t get it how a normal human being will allow another person, and mind you, of the opposite gender to caress them repeatedly without either of the parties getting aroused. Not me, that mumbo jumbo was not invented for me. Am as sensitive as the genitals and massage is not my gorogoro of busaa, oh, I mean cup of tea. With the urge and desire ‘to belong’ nagging my mind, the other day I decided to stroll into a massage palor, you know, like any other urbanite. Why I say this is one of the most immoral places is because those procuring the service always have other ulterior motives which `genital-men’ like yours truly can’t resist.

It was in this massage parlor that I had an epiphany which made me experience a eureka moment of some sort-my head (get your mind off the gutter am taking about the one on top of my shoulders) is an erogenous zone. Whenever she massaged my head there was some tingling sensation that ran down my spine causing my hands to want to actualize the Yellow pages slogan `let your fingers do the walking’. I almost got possessed with an ‘evil’ spirit which in as far as street lingo goes is referred to as roho mtaka vitu. This was one of those moments when the flesh is willing but the spirit and soul are weak. A very cute lady, I must say. One of those very cute perfect female strangers you would catch a grenade for.

We were only the two of us in the room with some smooth RnB playing in the back ground-Christina Millan’s `dip it low’ to be precise. For special effect like setting the mood, I suspect.  Her way of doing customer care is what got me mouth agape. She was using what I call `the supermarket approach’ where by everything is put on display. Talk of taking customer care to another level. In the first place, I could not concentrate and I kept on loosing focus. Her dress code was a clear evidence of the fact that she has absolutely no regard for the textile industry. Her mammary glands on the other hand were near popping out and upon seeing them I instantly became thirsty, need I say the seductive mischief she was engaging in other than just doing the massage?

I could not concentrate not because I was enjoying the service but because I subjected to multitasking of some sort. Folks, the only multitasking am familiar with is walking and whistling or humming at the same time, period. There I was sheepishly staring at her bulgy bust, responding to the therapy and communicating back to her-you know, whispering instruction, attempting but unsuccessfully keeping eye contact. Not an easy fit to achieve, I tell you. At some point it became even worse when I was in the upside down position because I was desperately trying to communicate with my ‘magic stick ‘pleading with it not to swell and shame me. The lady made things worse and I guess it was deliberate because she kept on rubbing the neighboring areas relentlessly in a manner likely to suggest something else. A very clever lady, I tell you, working on all my erogenous zones and the look on her face suggested that she was enjoying it even more than me who was going to pay for the service. Of course this made me totally peeved, mid the session I almost kicked a storm and protested over the same and demands the bill to be split 50-50.You don’t want to know how I got out of this place……

Discos/night clubs

Owing to the fact that I have these young handsome baby face devoid of any beard ,I always run in trouble with bouncers whenever I attempt to gain entry into night clubs, they assume am under 18.Whenever I go to any club ,there is always that bouncer who always acts like a bull in a china shop. He never misses a chance to lose an opportunity to be nice. The idiot is always reckless to the core. This time around my entry strategy got him napping on the job. You are wondering how I did it? I dressed up in black from head to toe, taking the advantage of my deep dark complexion, all I needed was, take a good hunch of this , to shut my mouth and close my eyes and viola! I found myself in the club without much ado, hehe. If you always get freezed at clubs, try my strategy but at your own risk.

Have you ever wondered why they discriminate on who gets in the club and who doesn’t? What goes on in there is grossly immoral and management always encourage it by deliberately making the lighting very dim and the Dj makes matters worse by making it cacophonous with blaring sirens ,breaking glasses and whatnot. Some of the going-ons in the club made me a very worried sinner. Trust me you, If we (average and regular sinners) are not careful and work hard, we will miss out on space in hell. Some of the things that happen in this night clubs are grave. Let me dwell on the dancing style that caught my attention-Bend Over. If you have patronized our discos of late you might have noticed this new dancing style called bend over .I keenly paid attention to this immorality and I concluded that it doesn’t qualify to be a dancing style.

A style so dirty that it was banned it its country of origin how it remain legal here, I don’t know. The inventors of the style illegally gained access to this country and what they did to our sisters only God knows .Our girls must know that there are better and descent ways to get themselves to YouTube other than just dirty dancing. Just like it takes two to tango, it also takes two, and of the opposite gender, to do a `bend over’. The two purports to be dancing but if you keenly observe you will notice that much as the lady does the bending, writhing and vigorously shoving her posterior in the groin area of the lad behind her, it pains me to report here that ,the young man is always his own fantasy world. He is not dancing per say, he appears to be unsuccessfully trying to `penetrate’ somewhere and his dirty imaginations are guised by the fact that he does it with the rhythm of the song.

Swimming pool

This is another very immoral place. Look, if you are interested in watching nudity or people casually and liberally walking around in skimpy under wears without any moralist opening their mouth to curse, then at a swimming pool is where you need to be. I think this place is so immoral that any biologically normal `genital-man’ can’t resist blood rushing south.

Whenever am at a swimming pool I rarely get an opportunity to swim and enjoy the water .This happens not because I don’t know how to swim but because am self conscious about my manhood and more than often, I spend most of my time `manually regulating’ its size. We all know women and their fascination for politics of size. Women at a swimming pool are never there to swim. Yes, this is a serious scandal and I have the full dossier. When they are not tempting men through indecent exposure ,they are busy scrutinizing whose `magic stick’ is `big’ and who’s is `small’. Woe unto you if you are a man who likes swimming but you are not blessed down there-you are the laughing stock. They are always in two groups, those in water are there to tempt men and those who sit at the pool side discuss and judge `size’. When I discovered this, I gave up on swimming.

Brethren I am still agonizing my last experience at the swimming pool… From the changing room I strolled towards the pool and before I could get in water my third leg had already swelled beyond limit. Shit. I had no other option other than immediately diving in water to hide it because I had noticed some lady who was sitting by the poolside, and I suspect my predicament had tickled her fancy, all I remember is seeing her uncontrollably rolling on the ground with laughter. Poor me. So when it was time to leave again another predicament befell me and I could not come out of the water 30 minutes after the gentleman in charge of the swimming pool had announced that time was up. The cold water had made my `Abdala’ to shrink beyond limit. Those are the times he looks like a weary and emaciated thirsty slave. My fidelity and loyalty to `Abdala’ could not allow me to expose him to women in that form-He was in bad shape and size.You know the way swimming costumes never hide or lie about your size. Am sure many men can relate to this because there is that `respectable’ size you always want women to associate you with. I had to spend another 30 minutes in water doing nothing but just `activating’ `Abdala’ (by all means necessary playing with him, caressing, name them) to that `respectable room-temperature’ size. Ladies please next time you see a brother spend so much time in water long after he is done with swimming please understand, will you? I don’t think I will ever go to such an immoral place.

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At times being a Kenyan is a tragedy, and it is in fact worse if you are a private citizen like yours truly. Yesterday I woke up feeling under the weather but as a victim of necessities who had lost passion in his work, academia and life in general, other than being petty and bothering government to timely intervene (serikali iingilie kati…) seeking divine intervention was a preeminent option. In the past few weeks I had a bunch of problems ranging from those to do with coming up with daily survival tactics like moonlighting as a violent knife-point robber(I cant afford a gun),you know, daily bread issues to trivial ones like my neighbor’s intimidatingly fat cockroach which kept on sneaking into my house not to share or even enjoy my lifestyle but to compete and jostle for space with me on my sofa(am sure this was not one of the regular cockroaches born and bred in my household ,I don’t allow them to eat with impunity nor do I allow them to access a balanced diet-I at least deny them vitamins D.I highly suspect that citizens interested in promoting local tourism will soon be required to visit my neighbor to satisfy that necessity. Am not interested in landing this country in a diplomatic raw with China so I wont even attempt comparing how fake this roach looked like to a china made product ,all I can say is that this particular one looked like it had undergone some genetic modification of some sort. And I digress.

Church is one place I last visited, by mistake, seven years ago not because I was one of those overly religious or spiritual brethren by then but how I found myself in there was basically necessitated by circumstances. I can’t clearly remember, but I highly suspect if it was not a Christmas ceremony then definitely it was on that day I mysteriously found myself enjoying the shelter of that said place upon being ambushed by an abrupt heavy down pour.

As I queue to buy breakfast at this Nakumatt supermarket in my hood, the lady serving me decides to mess up my morning by almost killing my enthusiasm instantly by giving me change which included some `moist’ notes. Pthow.And I highly suspect that could have been the handiwork of one of those bulky women who pretend not to be in a position to afford a purse and therefore keep money in very weird places like in their bras, along their waist lines and in their armpits. This was a very serious scandal and I promise to kick a storm and protest next time it happens.

When I board a matatu to get to church, another lady of the same persuasion unashamedly subjects me to harASSment of some sort. Yet we both had paid for our individual sits, it’s not like she had paid for two sits only for me to plant myself on her second sit on humanitarian grounds or anything. My friend it is a proper scandal to sheepishly board a matatu and sit down without scrutinizing the `sitting allowance ‘of the person you are sitting next to. While in church, it got to that point where the priest requests members to show peace to each other by shaking their hands and hey presto, the bulky lady immediately behind me shakes my hand with her very `moist’ hand…..what is it with this people and `moisture’ I wondered……

To be perfectly honest, society is very judgmental and discriminative to people with generous body sizes. Being a fat person comes with a lot of profiling .Travails of fat people are quite many and are perpetuated in both subtle and overt ways .The discrimination of fat people is in most cases based on trivial things like negative and demeaning nicknames ‘fatsource’ which bruises ones ego and lower self esteem. This in a way makes one feel inadequate. The problem with being fat is that you don’t notice that you are fat, I recently discovered ten pointers/tips that can help one know that they are fat, tip no.1-a very common one but we (fat guys) rarely notice it. When you take a shower and you always get tired and start sweating in the process and waste a couple of seconds wiping your sweat before proceeding, my friend you are FAT. If you can only see your private parts by using a mirror my friend you are pretty much a fat person……

As a fat person, when you walk into a building you attract attention but for all the wrong reasons .People will start gossiping about you especially if you have wardrobe malfunction (which is the case nine out of ten times) .The good thing is that they do this under their breath, no one can risk talking shit or backbiting you loudly.

It’s understandable that most fat people rarely get the right size of their cloths or shoes, hence their careless dress code –this devastates them but they always lack other options. It is common to see those plus size ladies lack the right bra size or even inner pants –it is common to see them adorn bras which divide their mammary glands into four equal parts or pants which divide their posteriors into four equal parts but its never their wish. Getting the right and fitting mutumba clothes is also an uphill task to them. If you have been keen enough you probably have noticed that most of those `things’ they adorn as clothes have along way to go if they at all intend to compete with clothes that regular people adorn. They all seem to fancy buggy attire; a plus size lady buys what a regular lady would call a maternity dress and only accessorizes it with a rope, looks at herself in the mirror, and likes what she sees so much that she christens it `Sunday best.’

Keeping up with the latest fads and fashions is difficult in that most designers bother less about the ‘plus’ size people. New trends by and large target people with mean body sizes. On matters to do with fashion people merely tolerate you and don’t appreciate your efforts. For a lady who is embarrassingly big many things will unavoidably backfire. You attempt putting on a trouser, your expanding waist and midriff bulges over the trouser making you look like you borrowed it. If you have been keen enough may be by now you have noticed that they gave up on fashion long time ago and resorted to tom-boy like attires.

When you are fat people tend to overestimate your age and expect too much from you in all aspects even if you are young, many will think you are a grown up and there for expect mature behaviors and conduct from you and also adult-like intelligence. Skinny people don’t spare you with insults when you make silly mistakes watu wengine wanatumianga akili kama kofia (how can such a grown ass person do such a silly thing?) They always wonder.  When a fat person is arrested, cops always demand bigger bribes from them assuming that the generous body size is assign of lavish living.

Employers are very reluctant when it comes to hiring fat people .There is a fallacy that fat people are inefficient .Most bosses think that they are sluggish, lethargic, lazy and food addicts .When skinny people silently break wind in public –especially in congested places say in the lift, in a matatu, everybody disgustingly turns around and suspiciously looks at any fat person around.

Getting a mate as a fat person is also a problem, because most people both male and female believe that fat people are not adequately romantic, lack table manners, they lack a sense of fashion and style. The physical presence of plus size lady is in itself a security threat –ask any man out there.

On the flipside, fat people are jolly good fellows with some amazing wit; any psychologist will tell you that. When you are fat and underage and you walk in to a club, bouncers rarely freeze you .They often think you are an adult and therefore guaranteed entry with out much ado.When you get into a scuffle or an argument, and people piss you off, the moment you frown and threaten to robustly express your displeasure people immediately withdraw and coil back. You always get right of way in human traffic-nobody wants to be involved in a head –on coalition with you, they walk far away from you and those behind you on the street repetitively dodge to avoid you hitting them with your bulging arms. When you get in a bank hall or any other place where people are lining up for a service, you easily bulldoze your way forward to the front of the queue. To you decorum and protocol always takes a back sit, so what the heck?

In case any nutritionists are reading this they should be ashamed of themselves. What is that nonsense they always tell fat people `observe your diet, watch what you eat ’ and shit like that as if there is any fat individual who is daft enough to eat with closed eyes. If anything some of this fat individuals work so hard to have those bodies it is not that they are just lazy bums who sit and eat, they work to have and maintain those bodies. In a nutshell, we just need a union the catalogue of our travails is quite lengthy. I rest my case; over to you skinny guys now give us tips on how to lose weight.

Image via Wikipedia

You notice you are broke when you get yourself window-shopping in very unlikely places like*wink**wink* the butchery or at a kiosk. Personally I noticed that am experiencing a recession when I found myself attempting, but in vain, to sell tips on how to coax a jiko to rage (pepeta iwake tips) in exchange for a meal of ugali matumbo(tripe) to Githinji-the guy who does the outdoor grilling at my local eatery. This are the times you just wish that Loliondo concoction had medicinal properties not just to manage but to permanently cure complications like hunger pangs.   Look, in this town like I always say there are people who make shit happen and there are those who shit happens to. If you belong to the latter group then clap for yourself because you have inspired this post.

O.k. I confess am not one of those Kenyan who make the economy of this dear nation tick and therefore I have no moral authority to comment on the economic state of our nation. But truth be told, things are thick out here and brothers are paying for basic commodities through their noses. Society has suddenly become anti-social, `no idling here’, `usikojoe hapa’, ` hakuna kazi usiulize’, `this plot is not for sale’ and shit like that. And I have noted with concern that even dingy slum-hotel with very dirty kitchens (in which uncooperative insects like flies still adorn gumboots and gloves for fear of coming in contact with germs) are audacious enough to stick on their kitchen doors stickers which communicate in a rather pompous and rude way `NO ENTRY, ONLY STAFF by management’, management my foot? Nkt.They should be ashamed of themselves. Another thing I have also noted is that in such places when you complain about the quantity of food served on your plate and demand that they increase the quantity, all they do is take it to the kitchen, put it on a smaller plate and waste a few minutes to make you think that they are actually adding more but wapi (nothing).

Getting a job has become such an uphill task, and I remember a few years ago we had plenty of jobs particularly those whose only qualification was muscle, aggression and brutality combined with poor social skills and ineffective communication skills-you know, a bouncer, a Nairobi city council askari…name them. Jobs with only one job description i.e. .YOUR EGO AND THE FORCE WITH WHICH YOU USE TO EXECUTE YOUR DUTIES MUST BE INVERSELY PROPORTIONAL TO YOUR SALARY. Today these jobs are no more. If there are any left, then still, Mathenge (your truant classmate who dropped out of school by simply strolling out of your class two-afternoon maths lesson and enrolled at a local gym the very afternoon) is more qualified than you.Reason? Mathenge’s C.V shows that he is been in practice (read, shoving uncooperative drunkards at night clubs) and therefore more `experienced’ than you.Shit.

Things are thick and you don’t want to know some of the daily, but weird, survival tactics that some folks have devised to see them through this hard times. A few weeks ago I remember I had a Facebook status that read…akiwioye nimemiss ule boy aliimba ile song ya ocha! ocha! narudi ocha!…and I even made a very big mistake of requesting anyone who knew him to tell him to come back to Nairobi because apparently by then things were not thaaat bad but hey kijana if you are reading this please don’t dare come back.Hapa Nairobi ni kiherehere tu tunafanya but we are in shit, we are no longer surviving we are just existing because it is said that man must live and live abundantly.

Here is tip no.1When the going gets tough and you have no option all you need is ten bob to buy rat poison and swallow an under dose of it. That can’t kill you but `experts ‘claim that it is sufficient to guarantee one a convulsion which is at least a reasonable rationale for one to be admitted at a hospital .If you dint know, being admitted in hospital will assure you a meal ticket for all the three meals in a day.You can imagine accessing a balanced diet meal for two or three strong days at the expense of your friends and relatives, hehe.

The most affected group are our dear brothers-idlers, they are so desperate and like government, they  have joined the bandwagon of those engaged in this lucrative activity of `passing the extra cost to mwananchi’ -they have hiked the fee they charge for giving directions to people who are lost in town. They are very enterprising, I tell you. Others are just praying and hoping not to get a job but for an opportunity to occur for them to vent their frustration and anger by either descending on a petty thief say pick-pocket. You know at times because of the congestion in town once in awhile your hand lands in the pocket of the person with whom you are jostling for space as you make way through crowds, woe unto you if it lands in the pocket of such a frustrated guy because he will raise an alarm and mob justice will beat you to pulp. Alternatively they deliberately tempt strangers for the slightest provocation particularly on trivial things like a breach of urinal etiquette (read peeking at their manhood at the urinal) to unleash terror on them in short order-kamikaze style.look,you idler who does this ,please stop, the only person you should vent your anger on is that man who pees hard in the trench splashing urine on others and in the process he unashamedly decides to break wind loudly and instantly frowns, not that innocent Kenyan who ,in the spirit of nation building, promotes `local tourism’ at the urinal.

As I once said, there is a lot of ‘acting’ that goes on in uptown. I know of guys who patronize those seedy pubs in river road for what we call ‘makali’ in as far as street lingo goes and when they are partially tipsy is when they stagger towards uptown where they buy one over-priced beer which they nurse and address the whole night. The interesting thing with those seedy sides of town is that when you walk say for instance along river-road being a victim of a pick-pocket rip-off is a standard. Those boys a very smooth, you don’t even notice when they visit your pocket. Thank God some of us are so accustomed to that lifestyle and while there your hand instinctively gets into your pocket after every five seconds just to check whether the 50 bob you had is still safe…

Here is sophistication now.

Some of my friends are of the sophisticated variety. And I like that. But you know, some people in this town need to get serious. I remember sometimes back I jokingly talked about this on face book but my advice seems to have fallen on deaf ears. I mean whenever I bump in to a lady friend of mine who I haven’t seen in along while and I ask them what they have been up to, in a bid to appear sophisticated the all seem to be having the same answer-I have been modeling.Shit.Modeling my neck? Telling a brother that ‘I have been modeling with this or that company seems to be the new fad. Like media, am also probing but the only difference is that I do it with decorum. Trouble always sneaks in whenever I pop question number two, which perhaps is the most important question. Which product/brand have you been marketing Mary? They always start biting their tongues and fumbling with words. At that point I always get nervous and a bit jittery. You know am one of those guys who don’t like [a] embarrassing people and [b] being embarrassed on behalf of people.

To suffice the situation ,I always interject with a more simpler question which of course doesn’t require a lot of thinking or brain power to answer-that which only requires a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ kind of answer,..I hope you are good? I always ask, you know. I mean is modeling the new morality in town? Maybe I missed the damn memo. Some must just mention the fact t hat they are bloggers. Having ‘mulikad’ the girl child does not necessarily mean that the boy child is doing well, no, he is not. If they are not trying to talk with that American twang, then they are trying to hum or sing some lil Wayne shit, but of course off beat.look, I bump into Mathenge along Moi avenue-this is the guy who a few months ago was speaking ‘genge’ 24/7 and he only attempted broken English while seducing a woman .Mind you he is the one who taught me the genge word for weed-ndukulu,and here he is unashamedly trying to talk like, of all the people, P-diddy (read ‘puffy’ because I suspect that’s the name he is using this week) .Shit.There are some things you don’t attempt here.P-diddy posses for the photos with a tooth pick at the corner of his mouth but they still consider him ‘cool’. As a Kenyan, if you attempt that trust me it will backfire.

I hold my peace and act like I haven’t noticed, after awhile the bugger flips and starts talking like tony Montana you remember in the movie Scarface? Almost like Ocampo but with some enthusiasms) I still play daft, and struggle to maintain my composure. There is something particular about how he was constructing and ending his sentences that kept on getting on my nerves. All his sentences were punctuated with…Youknowhatam saying’…Youknowhat I mean? Shit.A waste of a verbal resource if you ask me.

I can stand that Kenyan chic who goes to India and comes back with an American twang which can’t afford her the proper pronunciation of common Swahili words like chai moto and the for instead she says chai mouto or simply chai moro but I can’t stand Mathenge who has not travelled outside Kenya attempting that American twang.. As we stroll down the street I notice something particular about his walking style-some weird swagger which I can only compare to that of a sweet-sixteen teenager under the influence of some rogue hormones.

People should not struggle so hard to appear sophisticated; there are some people who sophistication oozes out of them-why struggle to speak with the American accent at the expense of clarity? When you hang out with sophisticated people you don’t need to ask, names like Pius are pronounced as‘payas’ and they proceed with the conversation as if nothing has happened. A name like Tobias is pronounced as ‘tobayas’ and so on and so forth. At times you just don’t get what they are saying-they can say ‘gerarahi’ when they actually mean …`get out of here’. Some people actually believe that that being sophisticated is all about being a clueless idiot about Kiswahili or sheng.

Some bugger make it even worse ,say they are in an office setting and he gets a phone call, you will see him stick the phone between his shoulder and his tilted head because apparently his hands are busy doing nothing. One hand could be playing with a pen while the other is, say delicately massaging his thigh. When you force some of these pronunciations, you sound so unnatural and people will notice.

We are not proud of being Africans. When I watch international news channels like Aljazeera, some of their anchors and reporters have a heavy Arabic accent and they don’t give a damn.Here everyone wants to have either an American accent or British.whats wrong with us? But as they say ,the most difficult thing at times is being yourself.

Image by frivolous_accumulation via Flickr

Ohh men, yesternight was the shit.Imagine she came again and in fact unannounced .She came straight into my bedroom .I told you she is a freak to the core. There she was butt- naked, humming some erotic tunes and doing some dirty dancing, you know, the usual ritual. She was all over my body, mind you I was fast asleep but like I once told you my skin is as sensitive as the genitals so I immediately woke up. Before I could even scream mpango wa kando, she started touching, licking and sucking…And hey presto I gave it to her.Shit, that malaria causing female anopheles mosquito……

Here is the story

Some Kenyans will have to style up otherwise we won’t achieve vision 2030(notice the way we link everything to that pipe dream?) I remember telling you that while at ACCESS, I used to get to that place late but I used to make up for it by leaving early. When I left that organization they wrote me a bad recommendation letter which prompted me to change my behaviors particularly concerning time. Am very particular with time nowadays, in case of meeting, am always at the venue in time and after the meeting is over I still postpone my departure with a few minutes.

The other day I got holed up in a meeting and most of the guys in attendance were older and therefore they wasted a lot of time talking and at times repeating themselves. One of the guys presiding over the meeting was very vocal and verbally combative, you know talking as if he was in some sort of a protest. You can’t shut him down. So when I thought that they were about to wrap it up, another older guy wakes up to talk (a fairly old guy who if my eyes dint deceive me, could be 65-ish or if not, then he is headed there and in fact at a very dangerous velocity if his wrinkles infested face was anything to go by) so there I was bored to death, in fact I had switched off as they run their mouths. Two things were on my mind ,one ,security on my way back home because it was already 8 and it didn’t look like we were halfway the meeting and two, I was missing facebook because there was this chic I had just in boxed and therefore eagerly expecting her response.

You know these old men drive, and when I say they drive I don’t mean those jalopies which only enable one to move from point A to point B,no, they drive serious cars. Cars that a clever Kenyan would categorize under veblem goods. So they forget that yours truly has been and still is loyal to matatus and not just because he is broke but because he is a patriot who believes in job creation. Can I hear some tout say Amen!

I remember two year ago, if you have been religiously reading me, I told you that there is a lot of insecurity in the neck of my hood and even those uncooperative and notorious nocturnal insects like mosquitoes don’t come out at night to look for their daily(should I say nightly?)bread(oh sorry blood).And mind you here we get robbed like on a daily basis and at times when you have no cash on you, you announce it to avoid any struggle. Otherwise if you don’t and let then struggle with you, you will be thoroughly fixed in fact like a snake upon realizing that you don’t even have 50bob in your pockets. The most heart breaking thing is that here you get robbed by boys you know very well. The very boys you see during the day read borrowed news papers on that neighborhood kinyozi’s verandah as they whine about that know-it-all government officials.

It’s unfortunate because some of these robbery  incidents always time when the dogs in our neighborhood are on ago-slow because of petty things like what happened the other week-they were on some sort of a hunger strike and nobody gave a hoot.  And I digress.

So the old men in the meeting talk, talk and talk as if in a competition to outdo each other in being boring. They all seem to be having the same monotonous and boring introductory remarks …well ahhh (as they clear throats) let me recap what so and so said he had a very valid point…they keep on doing this as they waste time…thank you very much…they have said all I wanted to say but kindly allow me to emphasize what Mr.Githinji has just said..And am like what the hell, Githinji already put that point across …of course nobody heard me say that. You know the kind of gibberish you just mumble under your breath as you log into facebook while at a meeting? I call it the ‘mscheeew’ moment.

Cases of insecurity are on the rise, you have probably heard of weird cases like that one which involved  carjackers who got car jacked .In the neck of my hood thugs are always prowling as early as 6, liberally smoking weed as they casually talk about guys they robbed the previous night.

After Githinji and company delay me in the meeting I go get accosted with thugs. Shit.

…Where is the money? Was the first question they tossed in my direction? Which money? I shot back….kijana we will waste you, tutakuchangia maumivu kwa mwili…   by the time we are done with you you will be waste material, you think we are here for fun? At that point I mellowed down and attempted to be apologetic by telling them …ata mimi ni mwizi tu kama nyinyi but leo sijafanikiwa(am also a thug like you but today I have not managed to rob anyone otherwise we would have shared the loot)

You don’t want to know what happened to m e after saying that sheepish statement. I had opened the Pandora’s box.wauwauwau those boys descended on me mercilessly. There was this beefy and chubby boy who resembled Githongo (yes, that internationally known Kenyan whistle blower) who was very quick to answer my somewhat sarcastic questions….unatuita sisi wezi?so I quickly interject and tell him that …mimi ndio mwizi bt leo sijapata kitu…I shot back.ooohh k,nyinyi ndio mnaibianga watu apa usiku?the other skinny boy yelled at me.

Mind you at that point they were busy working on me ,one was busy squeezing my two ‘cotyledons I could scream `consultation’ one was already ransacking my pockets .you know am normally good at engaging thugs especially of this variety who don’t operate  with guns. But the problem with this ones was that they attacked me from the right hand side otherwise I would have managed them had they attacked from the left. I tried to pull that jet lee signature move of an upper-cut simultaneously followed with a hook and a flying kick but wapi,I dint execute it properly so I landed on my nose. So I attempt the last technique which I have always used .I dangerously and violently shove my hand into my ‘made in china’ underwear (cow boy) as if to reach for a dangerous weapon but wapi! The idiots are not moved and instead one of them slaps me very hard across my face and in the process I lose almost a half a litre of my saliva.

In my pocket I had a Motorola c113-Avery dangerous gadget if you ask me. If I had a more serious phone it would have sufficed my predicament of walking at night with 50 bob, they advised…next time tembeanga na simu ya maana…is this thing a phone or just a means of communication? The stocky guy asked rhetorically of course not expecting an answer judging by the way he ended it, with a mscheew nkt.when you get robbed at night and you don’t have enough cash on you, you get punished for it. For me it was simple, they tagged me along forcefully .so we bump into another victim who we were to rob. The guy dint even waste a second he immediately gets into his pocket and voila he unleashes a dagger and hurriedly draws it and yell out loud..Eeeeii banaa acheni mchezo, iko nini ata Mimi nko job tuheshimiane. At this point it was helter skelter.Thats how I escaped and got home at around 3 topless and in my underwear.

Relationships, an obsession of the 21^st century, magazines ,self-help books,websites,internet  rooms,tv and radio talk shows  overflow with advice ,warnings ,dos and don’ts and painstaking analysis  of every aspects of relationships. This in away has enlightened women and made them more assertive when it comes to matters relationships and sexuality .you know I once in awhile I masquerade as an astute debater who always want to win arguments (hands down) and in abid to do so I always defend my argument with conviction which can only, or perhaps be compared to that of a seasoned lawyer defending a serial killer. So even on matters where am only giving an opinion I often come across as an `authority’ which am not. Dear reader for hell’s sake whenever that situation arises please understand, they are just opinions and at times its pure machismo and bravado. And I digress.

All this enlightenment has produced a 21^st century woman who is not only sexually assertive but active. This woman gets into r/ships with a lot of expectations. Number one on her list is sexual prowess, which she holds in high esteem. As a man if you think spanking her posterior or even groping her is tantamount to foreplay then you are in for a rude shock. And if you went and buried yourself in romance books and came back with those award –winning kissing tips and all those other shenanigans that entail foreplay thinking you are sorted, my friend you are still in shit.There is another huddle which perhaps in her opinion (I suspect) matters a lot-the big game itself. Here she wants nothing less nothing more; she wants a wizard in bed. She is not interested in that loud guy at the bar who chest thump  and two minutes upon being served the goodies start  panting and gasping for gas like one expecting relief food. Am talking about sexual prowess characterized with stamina, style and of course that explosive acrobatic power with flexibility of a rope. If you are stiff like a tree trunk pole (sorry).And here is the rub surely how is a man to achieve that in such in an overly conservative society   with no manual or even tutorials? You know women have a tendency of wanting a man who can operate like a superman of some sort but they don’t provide that conducive environment. You attempt to secretly watch porn to acquire skills they taunt you for being immoral.

Society needs to change its approach to socialization in matters concerning r/ships.look,men are normally socialized to like sex(in fact instantly pap!) and women on the other hand are wired to desperately look for `truelove’ and romance. You know this is normally done implicitly rather than directly and you can’t resist because it’s like a norm .This is manifested in the double standard of morality where sexual promiscuity among men is seen to be normal and laudable but seen as immoral /looseness among women. This partly explains why men tend to fall in `love’ more easily because of sex as a motivating factor. Ask any man early in the relationship they report great love for their girlfriends. A man can easily lose his heart to a woman but women on the other hand because of their socialization; they tend to manage their own emotions in a more restrained manner. A man is not socialized to be loving or even romantic so how does a woman expect him to be romantic and give them that `true love?’And you know women, like I always say, are the ones who pull the trigger nine out of ten times. When they suspect that you watch soap operas, you will be the laughing stock. They tease you to death. A man watching soaps is a behavior that’s frowned upon and according to women men who watch are `weak’.

It has become common place to hear a media psychologist (and majority are not, judging by some of the esoteric names they use, you have probably heard someone call himself Mr.orgasms or Dr. Love) giving `therapy’ on air-which is unethical if you ask me. You have probably heard on an fm station or TV people call in describing problems concerning love (jilted in love, having a crash on someone etc) and he proceeds to give therapy and reassurance. Come on, there are factors you have to consider, therapy in 3 mins? 5mins? You’ve got to be kidding me; it’s a process that requires time. Guys don’t be coned let them just provide education by generally talking about it. Women take a good hunch of this because most of you are victims of this, even amid those sob stories and aki-woiyes be selective with advice and therapy.

Sex educators and relationships experts should stop perpetuating the belief that long term commitment is the highest goal and therefore the only context for sexual expression in a relationship.women need to learn that random sex is not criminal if anything its good for your health. This should be aimed at helping women who are mostly burdened /engulfed by romantic illusions .women, just prepare for the best but expect the worst from men; you will protect yourself as they last. This will put you in a position to bounce back when he tell you `its over ‘ without subjecting yourself to emotional torture and heart ache. Look, personally the much I invest in a woman as far as emotionallys are concernedis 70%, the 30% is mine to fall back on just in case and I guard it jealously and that’s why no woman has ever managed to break my heart completely. I always smell the coffee and with my 30% I take off. Some women have come in my life with among many other own agendas, to break my heart but it’s just that I have never been patient to be heartbroken-I walk away.Dont be fooled that you have landed `the one and only ‘the truth of the matter is that you have landed the best yes but within a restricted geographical area and you are lucky to have found one with whom you share a lot in comon.Its just that the geographic disadvantage convinces you that he is the one and only.

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We cant neatly discuss matters concerning this dear society without talking about societies oldest trade,otherwise we will be,like the proverbial ostrich,burying our heads in the sand.This is real talk folks and mind you am not like one of those cowardly and irresponsible bloggers who hide under unanimity of incognito names while addressing such topics.Vuta stool,kick back and relax this is a conversation we must have.

Am a concerned social researcher because the other day i went undercover on koinange street and i bet you i got a bit dissapointed because its like the trade is dying,the number of prostitutes seems to be reducing by the day.Its a bad trend and we all need to be concerned as a society because if we don’t arrest this development women in this society will be in trouble-and i will explain.Prostitution serve as a safety valve to marriage and family.when a  man is dissatisfied or having issues with the wife who is not willing to provide him conjugal rights prostitutes come in handy.Prostitutes unlike mpango wa kando (mistresses) are never interested in emotional commitments or attachments and therefore they can’t break your family-no sane man can abandon his wife to go and marry or live with a prostitute.

Whoever came up with the whole concept of prostitution was an evil genius. Prostitution is arguably the world’s oldest profession or trade; this has existed throughout the history of mankind. Let’s not bury our heads in the sand like the proverbial ostrich by demonizing and naively depicting prostitution as dysfunctional. This just professions like any other, so when I see people castigate the industry players I find it paradoxical and hypocritical. The other day we had a scandal whereby our ‘honorable’ members were nabbed exchanging services with koinange street prostitutes, it’s understandable that the affluent n those in power seem to be too busy to go through that laborious ritual and drawn out processes of courtship or dating. Lets face it prostitution is a necessary evil, but its necessity and utility is exploited in clandestine ways. Others consider it disgusting and immoral but I bet you its greatly functional in the sense that it’s something that keeps hot-blooded men away from the pure and the innocent, if you know what I mean-virgins,teenage girls and with prostitution around i bet you we will have reduced cases of rape being reported.

Developed countries saw light long ago and legalized it. This trade has been here long enough it exists in different societies but in different forms. It’s not an ‘immorality’ that just emerged among a few defiant Kenyans. It’s something international. Elsewhere its taken to another level, like recently in the U.S, a certain company hired prostitutes to provide sex to its esteemed suppliers and customers as a motivation-oust-of-the-box thinking i tell you. How enterprising can people get? There is absolutely no humor in police engaging these sisters in aping-pong type of game by running them up n down in town. In the eyes of the law this is a victimless crime my friend and  if you insist to say that it’s a crime, then who is the victim here? You want to call a person whose financial circumstances have been mitigated a victim? Then you must be high, go fly a kite or fry an egg.

I mean police treat these patriotic business ladies as criminal riff-raffs.I don’t like it. If we intellectually break it down and view this demonized trade in theoretical perspectives, we will realize that prostitution provide some sort of outlet for men who have difficulty in establishing sexual relationships n have these inexplicable and insatiable desire for instant gratification but unfortunately disfigured or handicapped-the blind,lame,deaf and even ugly men. Mainstream- society women have a tendency of being dodgy when approached by these guys. There are those who can’t find long-term partners eg, traveling sales men or these long distance track drivers who are divorced or separated. Prostitutes also provide sex to men who want sexual gratification that’s defined as ‘immoral’ and legal wife’s and girlfriends are not willing to provide. I mean I don’t think there’s a wife or a girlfriend out there, who wants or is willing to be flipped and tossed around like a beef bagger or subjected to some horizontal and vertical acrobatics which can leave a loved one with permanent injuries if subjected to.

We need our lovers on a daily basis and again I don’t encourage divorce. You better let death do you apart coz if anything most of us can’t afford divorce lawyers. No Kenyan man wants to be served court injections concerning child support, those are foreign concepts. And the hard economic times can’t afford us that luxury. Prostitution is greatly functional to Kenya and it ensures that men who desire quick sexual gratification without attachment are fulfilled also men who are curious and want to experiment n explore different ‘types’,`sizes’ and ‘shapes’. Some of us have fetish fantasies and immoral fantasies about, say Caucasians, Latinos or generally people of female persuasion from other ethnicities or nationalities. Unfortunately this develops when you are in a marriage or a relationship…so what is a man to do? Men have always been men even when stakes are high.

In a nutshell these ladies provide a form of social control over male sexuality; they channel sexual desires away from unwilling partners to those willing but for a price. If anything most people who patronize brothels are just common Joes’ who are probably married or in r/ships but find their spouses sexually unreceptive and are not willing to provide `variety’ and any married man reading this can bear me witness.once you get married,wives automatically stop satisfying those male sexual fantasies i don’t know why eg, oral sex, blow jobs etc.And any guy out there reading this you ought to know that the moment you say ‘I do’ forget about blow jobs and other funny sexual positions…that you see Wesley pipes do in those porn movies.Lastly prostitutes unlike some girlfriends don’t threaten the male ego in any way even if you are bad news n pathetic in bed, got a small ‘gadget’, or even if your body shape, texture [like brothers doing mjengo] and size is not ideal for romancing. Prostitutes  procure their services indiscriminately. When people demand for service that’s not supplied by legitimate source an extra-legal arrangement will inevitably develop to meet the need.

The best government can do is to legalize this trade and tax it heavily [it’s a multi-billion industry for crying out loud] so that we can all benefit as a country other than just a few individuals making a killing and enriching themselves [when I was doing an undercover research one told me she makes close to 50 k in a good week, so what are you talking about].This asocial reality the trade is here to stay.Government lets do this.