I have a confession. You see, in this town, each one of us has some weird things we do, but we can’t confess to doing them. look, once in a while, whenever am broke and I have no other way to while away time, like fellow idlers, I always resort to perambulating around town (ogling at expensive things that I can’t afford) and in the process I, of course, experience fatigue -courtesy of this city sub-culture of pretending to be in a hurry even when going nowhere. And during such moments, unlike you who always crawl into Jevanjee or at Uhuru park to rest your bones, to avoid getting into a restaurant only to be unceremoniously thrown out minutes later for idling, with the swagger of a 21st century man,I normally stroll into the nearest supermarket and head straight to the dairies section not to buy an ice cold drink but to,ok, well, just ‘hang out’ there to ostensibly cool off and enjoy the cold breeze, you know! But as an experienced, in fact practicing, idler, I do it with, to borrow street parlance, swag! Like a merchandiser doing a market research ,fully equipped with a note book and a pen ,complete with a fake frown of seriousness ,I pretend to be scrutinizing the nutritional content and prices of the dairy products. Just to a void looking suspicious, you know!
So there I was doing my thing and hey presto, a drop dead gorgeous descendant of Eve pops from nowhere, oh, sorry Heaven! Forget your typical Nairobi lady-eye rolling, teeth sucking, wanton display of arrogance, in short order upon being ‘looked at’. This was an Angel! Everything about her was worth reporting home about; from her toes to her hair follicles. Have I mentioned anything about her ‘Amelinaish’ smile? The shape and size of her nose immediately made it clear to me that competing for oxygen with her was out of the question! Well chiseled. Mine is a king size nose!If you would have seen the size of piece of cloth covering her waist downwards-micro-mini skirt, assuming you were the minister for industrialization, you would have reproached her for her disregard for the textile industry! If not, the threat she was posing to the industries development! I swear. But I dint mind it, after all she had good legs, and again which man doesn’t like seeing some yellow yellow flesh? The curves? Ngai fafa! Let’s not even go there.
My friend this was a package and a half. Well put together .The kindness in her eyes and smile made me think of her as a catholic nun who had just taken a day off at the nunnery! God, please have some mercy and give me some strength, I prayed. To cut the long story, Imagine despite all this traits, I was tongue tied and I could not even manage to cowardly cough or even mumble out the word ‘hello’, imagine! All I could do was stutter and struggle to catch my breath like a thirsty slave, as I was salivating and sweating at the same time. May be ,this was not due to the fact that I wash handicapped in the sector of self-expression; it’s just that I have been out of the dating scene for some decades courtesy of the long-term relationship I was in. And my skills needed rejuvenation. I mean, where would I have gotten an opportunity to put my seduction skills to practice when I have been dating the lioness herself? What the heck, after all my very first consultancy job in campus was about training brothers on how to successfully seduce ladies in the shortest time possible, I again consoled myself. At some point, I was tempted to quickly log onto Facebook and solicit for an a ward-winning pickup line to use as an ice breaker .But I perished the thought for it was too little too late. All I could do at that juncture was grunt inaudibly and curse not just the gods but my mojo as she walked off. Phew! This must have been how most young men feel when they squander opportunities to regale (kuingisha box) lasses in this town, I mused.
After this incident I was not a happy man. It, in fact, inspired me to think hard enough about seduction. My mind went back to the good old days when I was a young man(with hot blood)and I could not help but recall em days with haunting nostalgia,oh boy,we had lyrics.
Look, my experience in Bulimbo(that village where my mum got married. Avery interesting place if you ask me. Imagine, in this 21st century people there still do very crazy things like hunting squirrels and other wild delicacies! Another interesting observation I made is that people perennially pretend to be maize farmers on land that you don’t need to be an agricultural extension officer to know that its barren. Moreover, you get complimented upon being spotted with a shiny and sweating nose for, to them, it indicates how good one is doing –health wise! Just imagine!In Bulimbo,smoky and dirty road side eateries masquerading as hotels have the temerity to,in a rather pompous way (if their sign boards is anything to go by),boast of some outlandish services and facilities like saunas,full-body massage ,swimming pools ,conference and multi-purpose halls!Jeez!Talk of pushing the vision 2030 joke a bit too far. In fact ,in all honesty,in the spirit of promoting local tourism ,this is a place you should visit. Amusement galore!) exposed me to a lot about life,especially on how men and women relate. In Bulimbo ,back in the day as we were growing up ,it was common place to see an intimidatingly ugly man (of course with due respect to all who think that they are ugly,after all I have never met an ugly person, everyone is beautiful so what the fuss?) not only successfully seducing but marrying a very beautiful woman and he gets away with it,imagine!Or alternatively,a catastrophically ugly woman getting married to a village hunk!
A rare occurrence today. And when you see it happen,its very probable that the not so gentle on the eye party has thrown money at the problem to make things appear to be hunky dory. It is ,however,never an easy sailing all through for our intimidatingly ugly brother ,just because he has some cash. In some cases,for instance,at the brothel,when other men are paying a standard fee,he, unfortunately gets overcharged!sobs!I remember back in the day,unlike today when a casual sasa?nimekunoki,uko Facebook?would pass for a pick up line.And in three minutes flat,the two would be engrossed in a talk about horizontal acrobatics-sex, for the uninitiated!It amazes me that today a nine years old girl has perfect flirting skills complete with that uncalled for hair-fluffing and romantic chuckling. Talk of wanton display of seductive mischief!
I miss the good old days-vintage era when winking was a fad!One would ,and oh boy we had lyrics, approach a lady ,and by simply clearing your throat or coughing suggestively,was not just sufficient to arrest a ladies attention but automatically make her stop!And when you start waxing poetic with the honey coated lyrics that we had,the lady would shyly tilt her head on one side of her shoulder and no sooner had you started complimenting her artistically chiseled shape of her nose,than she started doodling a map of her county!While at it,she would do one thing that would instantly excite the machismo in you-avoiding eye contact by all means necessary ,even if it meant closing her eyes!Lol! am getting carried away one more time?ha ha!As all this was going on,the lady would be engaged in an activity that would make the late prof.Wangare Maathai turn in her grave-deforesting the surrounding vegetation!Plucking em’ leaves with reckless abandon!And for you information ,during the preliminary banter,you would only mention matters to do with being served the forbidden fruit at your own peril. What?Those girls were submissive and obedient to boot. One would ,under the influence of some rogue hormones,wake up in the dead of the night and tell her that an ‘idea’ has germinated on your mind and therefore you want to try it out. Without much ado,she will give you that inviting ‘no problem, go a head’ chuckle amid a blush!This ones of today,you try that on them,brace yourself for a hard slap!
Today our girls have taken away the shine from the whole process. No matter how much you ooze machismo and speak with bravado,ladies don’t give ash!t ,they look at you straight in the eye(and if she closes her eyes ,prepare adequately for a salvo is about to be fired) and not only,at times,mock you but heckle you!With hands akimbo,she will scoff at you ;I have heard that line before,you think I will fall for that?You call that seduction?uko down,utaniweza mimi?(dash back to the drawing board and polish your lyrics).Gosh!
Gentlemen ,that a side ,I got you covered ,dealing with these people is easy. How?Simple. OK I know at times my advice always sounds like a threat to civilization but listen. Here is the last resort. When things seem to be getting thick and you have no other way compleeeeetly,just do as I always do. Borrow a lot of money from her and don’t pay back as agreed. Spread it out in a period of ,say,five or so years.*whispering*They love money and cant leave you when you have a huge sum of their money. By the time you are paying your last installment,she will have ,over time,become insanely in love with you,probably with five kids!